The Last Cigar, Day 14, 8/28/10 – Forgiveness

Yo.

Was reading a book today called Forgive For Good at Barnes and Noble and I think it's worth checking out if you have bitterness towards somebody. I just paged through it and will read more of it. I think it's a book I need because I got some issues about letting go of an issue in the past. Basically I got fired from my last job two years ago due to these things..

1. Playing poker @ work. Dumb, I know. Lol, I probably got in trouble for watching cottonseed and leatherass vids ass well...I should of cranked up some BeachJustice to top it off.
2. Making some derogatory comments to an employee and a couple random ones not directed at anyone. (I won't go into what I said), but I didn't say anything with malice, I was just joking around and they knew it.
3. Not finishing a project over the weekend, I think I was playing the Sunday Million.
4. Misuse of company property, just using the provided laptop for things other than work, honestly I don't even remember what the violation was because I usually used my own laptop.

Anyhow...at the time I said those derogatory comments I promptly apologized to this person.

But anyhow this guy decided to turn me into management so they hauled me off into a room and put me on a speaker with corporate and blah blah blah, did you say this, that, etc..do this, do that etc....So they reviewed everything and 2 weeks later canned me.

Of course during this whole process I had a real swell of emotions between crying and anger etc..in private and in front of management. Also I just felt completely sabotaged because the team of employees they questions about what I said basically spilled the whole beans, so it felt like they all wanted to hang me.

Even after I got fired I asked my manager to tell that one dude I apologize for what I said to him....but this made me bitter because thoughts keep coming up over and over that I got slammed and couldn't defend myself. And I keep thinking to myself, "Was I too pussy to go find these pricks and give them a piece of my mind?" Then I have conflicting thought like, "yeah but I acted like a jackass in part and I deserve it and if I do or say anything I'm going to look even more foolish" But then also thinking, **** these mother ****ers, they went out on a limb to give up every single piece of negative information they could have possibly supplied to management and went above and beyond the call of duty to **** me" And then to top it off I have compulsive thoughts of not ruffling anyones feathers because I want to preserve my business reputation and I don't want any of these people to go on linked in or something and put bad stuff out there, once again, compulsive irrational thoughts I suppose.

So to this day I wake up and I'm in the shower thinking how I should just go after every single person in the team I worked with...I have no idea who said what except for that main guy, because obviously what I said to him was echoed back through my trials.

So the bottom line is I think I have to let this go. But this whole situation hurt me so much because in my heart I'm such a nice guy, and because I have this jovial demeanor it cost me. You know, I have a sense of humor like someone out of a mafia movie, except that doesn't fly with people in corporate lol. Imo some people are so ****ing square that they could never relate to me and see my personality as a threat, but then 99% of people love me. So I guess I bruised this guys ego and he had to give me up. But then again I'm at fault as well.

So I'm going to forgive these people for myself and because I was not innocent.
I have to understand that people have different backgrounds and viewpoints and that what might not be offensive to me and joking around with a bunch of Italians/friends is offensive to others. Still hurt though, but I gotta move on from it.

Anyhow, for certain I have to enforce the no smoking, 1 premium per week, I slipped a bit, and for certain cigars make you feel like garbage. Make me edgy, and fatigued. But of course like I said to Hunter in my last post, food is no doubt the number one health culprit. Eat bad, feel bad.

Eating is good
excercise is good
won about 3 or 4 buy ins at 10nl today! Dare to dream, but that's just making up from the losses due to some bad variance from my deposit last week.

-Peace out! Thanks for reading!